RUDE I AM

I am not friendly. Full stop.

It is not a judgment. I admit that I have been given that figure since I was born. And I didn’t try at any way to be more ‘friendly’.

This includes the fact that I am not approachable, or at least don’t look approachable, I am not good at making friends, or meeting new friends.

But seriously, those who know me, they know me. Despite my ‘arrogant’ face, I am not that arrogant. I am very easy to work with, I can be very funny, I can be pleasing to be with. I respect people in all ways, despite any differences. I know how to ask questions politely, I know how to greet people, I know how to mingle with people despite their social status or job ranking.

Never in my life have people said I was rude. Never.

But today, it has been proven that maybe they are wrong. Maybe I AM rude.

And again, I will not, never, to try to be more ‘friendly’ just to erase that ‘rude’ title that has been labeled to me. Never. So, don’t expect me to.

I am just happy with what I am, because I don’t think I am rude. If ‘rude’ is the attribute, then ‘rude’ it is.

Full stop.

HIDUP YANG BEST

Lama dah tak menulis. Bukan tak de idea. Byk je yg nak diluahkan. Tp masa selalu tak mengizinkan.

Looks like this is only the second time I write in 2010. See, betapa sibuknya saya. Mengalahkan PM pulak (Nurul Yaqin, 2009). Tak apelah, biarlah susah sekarang. Hopefully, there’s something good waiting later, kan?

It’s a very busy year, saya dah agak dah. Akhir tahun lepas mase meeting, dah bertindan2 kerja disenaraikan utk saya. Bukan nak complain, tp, erm, kita kan manusia biasa. Ada limit bila buat kerja. Bila limit up, habis la.

Itu yang sampai saya demam dua minggu lepas. No big deal. Demam je. Tapi kalau boleh kita nak elakkan dari sakit. Supaya boleh jalankan hidup dgn best.

Ckp psl hidup yang best, that is what I want in life. Hidup yang best dlm definasi sy bukannye bermaksud ade BMW 5 Series 2 bijik dgn Benz S Class (tp kalau ade, lagi bagus.. teringin jugak nk drive S class. ahaks), Hidup yang best juga bukan bermaksud rumah 4 tingkat yang kena pakai walkie talkie bila nak panggil org (yang ni serious sy x nak).. juga bukan mahukan wang melimpah ruah utk beli branded stuff like Gucci, Ferragamo dan Charriol Philippe (tp kalau ade, alangkah indahnya. Jgn risau. Kalau ada, sy tak lupa org yg memerlukan, insya-allah)..

Hidup yg best pd sy ialah keserderhanaan dlm semua segi. Ada setengah org kerja bagai nak rak, siang mlm siang mlm demi nk dptkan satu promotion.. sudahnya, balik kmpung sekali dlm 4 thn. Shopping Mall terdekat pun dah pernah jejak kaki. Ada setengah org pulak enjoy sakan. Mls nk kerja, mls nak belajar. Enjoy je 24 jam. Pun tak boleh jugak.

Sy nak dua dua. Nak enjoy, nak kerja, nak bercinta, nak balik kampong. Jadi sy buat sikit2, mana yg mampu.

Dulu, sy berhabisan utk kerja. Sy keluar duit bagai nak rak utk kerja. Sy gadaikan masa dan tenaga utk kerja. Disebabkan sy baru, sy tak kesah buat semau kerja asalkan sy dpt pengalaman dan pengajaran. Tp dlm bidang kerja sy, org tak appreciate apa yg sy buat, Sebaliknya, org ambil kesempatan pulak.

Sbb tu sekarang ni bila org suruh sy berhabis2an utk kerja, sy malas. Bukan ape, kerja sy jenis fixed salary. Kerja mcm mane sekalipun, gaji takat tu je. Naik pangkat? Jgn harap lah. Jd, sy buat apa yg hakiki. Selebihnya, sy cuma buat jika sy mampu.

Selebihnya, sy tumpukan utk diri sy sendiri. Sy luangkan mase untuk berehat. Sekali sekala give a treat to myself, pg spa and massage. Kadang2 sy puaskan diri sy dengan menari. Sbb sy mmg suka betul menari. Sekali sekala sy pergi shopping, memanjakan diri sendiri untuk tampil menarik. Bila rasa mood romantic timbul, sy luangkan mase dgn PAKCIK. Kadang2, luangkan mase berjumpa dengan kawan ataupun, aklau perlu, sy call diorg, walaupun kadang2 diorg tak call sy. Agak2 rase level IQ dah turun, sy rehat kat rumah sambil baca buku, konon2 mcm study. Bila rasa tanggungjwb tba2 muncul, sy balik kmpung, spend money dekat mak, ayah dan adik2. Sy tak kesah berhabis duit kat diorg. Rasa berbaloi. Walaupun on the way balik KL nnt cuma ade RM2.40 je dlm wallet (hehehe, pernah terjd mcm ni sekali.. seb baik minyak kereta full and smart tag dah reload).

Mungkin sy nampak mcm biasa je. Tp sebenarnya sy sgt berpuas hati dgn hidup sy. Biarlah org nk ckp mcm mane pun, asalkan sy suka hidup sy.

DIORANG JELES

Happynye sy bila dpt tau yang bestfriend sy dah masuk hospital. Eh, dun get me wrong. Not that I was happy to know she was sick or wutever, but I was happy coz she was going to deliver our first baby!!

Well, why do I use the word ‘our baby’?

It’s not like she was pregnant with literally OUR baby, like I gave the egg and bla bla, but it was because she was my best girl of all time, and she got pregnant!! I mean, salah ke if I wanna be happy for her? It’s not like I wanna kidnap the baby or what, I just wanna share the happiness she was in.

For me, that was the role of a bestfriend. You share sorrow, and also happiness. That’s wut I did, that’s wut me and my other best girl did for her. Of course we get cranky and over the limit most of the time, but it was only because we love her and the baby so much. We were so excited as though we were having our own baby. I know the husband might be a little rimas with us, but I know deep down inside, he understood the situation. He understood the fact that his wife was so fond to us, thus contribute to the ‘baby-claiming’.

I believe my best gurl dun mind we claim the baby as ours. In fact I know she was happy we did that. We throw a small get-together for her, kononnya like a small baby shower or sumthing. Actually, it was purely meant for us to meet her, give her a little support before she faced the big day. We knew we won’t be able to be there at the day of event, so we came earlier. I guess, that was the most we could afford to do for her.

The problem yang I dun really understand is, why sum people mcm tak bg je we all claiming the baby. So what if I got excited over her baby, eventho I havent seen him. So wut if I put his picture as my desktop background? So what if I put his pics on my office table, or even in my diary? So wut if I even cried when I first saw his pic? So wut if I cried because I miss him? So wut if I call him in my sleep? SO WHAT??? Isn’t that good that I’m already in love with him before I even meet him? Doesn’t that mean I totally in love with my gurl too?? Doesn’t that show how much she means to me that I really feel her happiness deeply??

Maybe diorg jeles, takde kwn mcm kitorg.. huhuhu

YOU SAID.. BUT HE SAID..

You said I am the hottest girl you have ever met.
He said I am beautiful enough to capture his heart.

You said I am the prettiest in a lovely pink dress.
He said I am the prettiest when I’m in sweat after the gym

You said I have the sweetest smile
He said he prefers my loud laugh than my smile

You said I have the sweetest voice
He said I talk too much.

You gave a hug when I was down,
He just held my hands in silence.

You cancelled all appointments to throw a surprise birthday party for me,
He gave a small gift and a little prayer.

You said you will never leave me
He said he will be right next to me

You said you loved me so much.
He said he cared.

You said all the nicest words.
He said the least.
But somehow, he is the one who is still here, when you broke my whole heart into pieces.

THE STORY OF THE NOTEBOOK

It was a story book, so they say. I have definitely heard of the title, but never had I been bothered to read the best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks called The Notebook.

It was a long time ago.

Until one day, a very boring day, I locked myself in the room doing nothing but surfing the net. There was these quizzes in Facebook that people kept on answering, something like “What kind of men you attracted to” or “What song you are” or “Which celebrity you are” and so on.

So, out of tedium, I answered some of the quizzes. Of course I would not believe any of the things said in the quizzes. Some of the things were true, as in coincidently true. Like the kind of guy I was attracted to was the bad guys, which was true. I always had the urge about some bad boys, but not all kind. Of course I wouldn’t find murderers attractive.

There was another quiz about the things that were always in my handbag. It answered “handphone, tissue, ipod and camera” which were all true. But of course there were other things in my handbags too but my point was, they were relatively true.

I answered a quiz about “WHAT MOVIE YOUR LOVE STORY IS”. The answer given to me was THE NOTEBOOK.

I didn’t know what devil got into me, but I went all over to find the novel. I went all over to find the movie. And finally, I found both after a long search. Seriously, it’s not like I believed every single thing about the quiz. I didn’t believe anything about the quiz at all. I just wanted to fill in my curiosity. I wanted to know what the story was all about. And maybe, I wanted to see if they are coincidentally similar with my love story, again.

But I watched the movie, and I read the novel.

And I heard myself said,

“Shit.”

JUST ONE WORD

I thought I have deleted you from my phonebook.

But why am I still checking my phone every 5 minutes?

I thought I have trashed your pictures into the recycle bin.

But why is it here on my desktop?

I thought you are no longer on every page of my diary.

But do I keep stretching your names on papers?

I thought I have crashed the frame with your picture in it.

But why is it still there on my table?

I thought you are the sweetest man.

But you are the meanest.

I thought you are brave and romantic.

But you are a coward and lame.

I thought you have given me happy memories.

But instead you have given me the worst.

You came into my life with beautiful words.

But you left with killing silence.

You came with such slow emotions,

But you left as quickly as the lightning.

You came in benevolence and kindness.

But you left in cruelty and nastiness.

You put smiles and laughter on my face.

And you also put tears on it.

You made me wanting to see you every single day.

But you made me hate you in just one night.

You made me happy in so many wonderful ways.

And you left me in just one hurtful way.

How I wish that you could just say a word before you left.

Just one word.

To keep me away from wondering.

To keep me away from questioning.

To make me stop waiting.

To make me stop wanting.

I thought I have rejected you from my life.

Why do I keep thinking about you?

Why do you keep coming back?

Why do the memories keep haunting me?

Now that you have left.

Please, I beg of you.

Please, just go on and leave.

Please bring your memories with you.

I need you to go.

Please.

AND IT HAS BROKEN

I always believe that God works in His own mysterious ways.

I always believe in faith and destiny.

I always believe that things happen for some specific reasons.

To see things in normality is not my expertise.

To be rationale is also not something I’m good at.

Not for the past few weeks.

And to fall in love is not something I plan.

Definitely NOT.

I didn’t think it was a crime.

I didn’t think I fall in love.

I didn’t think it was happening.

I didn’t think it was real anyway.

But I did. I fall in love.

Love is God’s gift.

It is like a piece of glass.

So clean and clear.

So pure and transparent.

So beautiful and nice.

So strong and protective.

Suddenly, after a while, when you think that glass can cheer you up,

When things go out of hand,

The glass breaks.

And when it breaks, it becomes as sharp as the tip of the sword.

It cuts your skin, and bleed you heart.

And IT HAS BROKEN.

It cut through my deepest heart.

I don’t easily fall in love.

Not at all.

But when I do, I really will appreciate it.

I will take good care of it.

I will treasure every moment of it.

I will do anything to cherish it.

But like I said, I can’t handle too much love.

I don’t want to know your feelings.

I don’t want to know what you are thinking.

I don’t want to hear what you want to say.

For me, silence is better.

So, I make the decision in my silence.

Without a word and gesture.

Despite all the things I have done.

Despite the love I already poured.

Despite all the enjoyable moments I had.

I decided to leave you.

Trust me, it’s not easy to leave someone you deeply care.

Especially when you know that someone doesn’t care less about you.

Especially not someone you recently discover that you fall in love with.

Good bye.

(5.37am, 21st November 2009)