DILEMMA

My laptop is an old but useful creature. It has been serving me for the past 5 years. Under my supervision, it has gone through so many difficulties and challenges. For example, it once struggled itself to stay awake for days just because I wanted to finish up my 10,000 words of dissertation and other assignments. When I had to travel back to Malaysia from England, I put it in my main luggage because I could not bare with its heavy weight. It sacrificed itself to be placed inside there for hours and being thrown here and there.

Some difficult times, I got into very angry mood and I threw it away from the study table. It could crash on the floor, but a wire pulled it through that prevented it from falling into pieces. The wire was broken, of course. Once I was being a little careless, I sat on the lid. It’s broken too. The keyboard was broken too, some letters were not functioning anymore, so it is now replaced by a mini external keyboard. The laptop was installed with small memory, so it filled very easily. I had to reformat the laptop very often. Because of that too, the laptop became so bloodily slow and sometimes I just couldn’t take it.

i know most people believe that laptop is created so that you don't have to carry big computer everywhere. But my laptop is just like a computer. It is so heavy and due to its poor condition, i dare not carry it everywhere or else i might lose more screws and break more parts. It has become as fragile as a glass.

In conclusion, the laptop is now not in good shape, physically and also ‘mentally’, but it is a hell of a good investment. Like I said, it had served me the best.

So, recently when I enrol in The Faculty of Language and Linguistics in UM, my parents are concerned about how I would do my assignments with such laptop. Dad strongly recommends that I buy a new one so that he can use my old one for his project papers. He said, he will not be needing a brand new laptop for himself because he is very slow in this IT World, so my old laptop would serve him right. Mom said that if I ever has any financial problems to buy a new laptop (especially when she knows I have many commitments likes paying for my own Masters fees (I have to put aside RM400 permonth for this purpose), paying for car, ASB loan, Tabung Haji, allowances for adik-adik and parents and all which total up to almost my one month pay), she offers me her financial help. She even insists on buying me a new laptop and already surveying for one. She said she can use all the monthly gift money that I have given her and dad for the past a year and a half.

BUT, I truly love and appreciate my old laptop. It is such a true friend, and guess what, it is a fly-away gift from my boyfriend. He bought me the laptop just few days before I flew to UK in Valentine’s Day 2005. Since then, it has given me such good memories, filled my time with good things and has always been my closest friend. i think it is not too much if i say that it has given me my life.

Buying a new laptop would mean that I will have to give this gift to my dad. I know how much my parents hate my boyfriend, so it gives me a little thought that actually my parents want me to get rid all of my boyfriend’s stuff. Buying a new laptop also might makes me a selfish and ‘tak mengenang budi’ kind of person. I knew how he struggled to find the laptop when it was Chinese New Year holiday and all computer shops were closed. I know if I buy a new laptop, it would break his heart, even he always says, “It’s ok, b. Go ahead and buy a new one.”

But again, this laptop might not fit to serve me during my Masters period. I will have to do 5 major assignments and also a 30,000 words of thesis. It is just so heavy for it. Despite every single thing it had done for me, I am still not confident of its capability at this time.

I’m torn, truly in a difficult position. Opinions are most welcomed. Help.

ARE YOU A TEACHER?

Thursday is always my free day. After work, I always have free time to go settle my bills, buy some groceries and toiletries. Plus today, PAKCIK is not in town, so I have extra time. Most of the Thursday, we will have lunch or tea together before he pushes me to go to the kelas mengaji. Huhu.

So, at 2pm, I go to GIANT Hypermarket in Taman Permata. There is a cobbler next to WATSON. I always send my shoes to get them repaired or polished or wutever lah with this man. He is a good cobbler, plus he charges slightly murah than others. I send to him my CHARLES & KEITH orange shoes to get them fixed. He asks for another one hour, so go inside to the GIANT.

I manage to buy 2 sets of baju kurung for my sister. Those are for raya. So, one responsibility settle already. Mak’s baju raya has already given to her the other day. In fact, she tells me that she is now in the middle of tailoring that baju kurung. So now I have to get a set of baju Melayu for ayah pulak. But there is none in GIANT, nothing that captures my heart, so I go to the groceries department.

I am never good at buying groceries. First of all, I’m not much of a cook. Secondly, I am a fix kind of person. I dare not try things that I haven’t taste yet. So, I always end up buying the same thing, same brand, same bottle, same size, over and over again. Today, I buy prego and some light cheese because I want to make a simple bolognaise pasta. Very simple. I also buy some biscuits and other stuff to equip my kitchen cabinet before the girls coming next Saturday.

The queue for the counter is not that long. Surprising. It’s pay day today but not many people in GIANT. Owh, maybe all of them go to JAYA JUSCO ALPHA ANGLE because they are having MEMBER CARD SALE DAY. I want to go there earlier, but the traffic is just unbearable.

The guy at the counter smiles at me. I guess because he notices my face already. That shows how much I come to GIANT.

Suddenly he asks, “Tengah Lunch time ke, kak?”

I reply,:”Taklah. Dah habis kerja.”

“Eh, awalnya habis kerja. Bagus betul bos bagi balik awal.”

Ahah, ‘bagus’nyer kalau bos bagi balik awal, kan?

“Tak lah. Saya cikgu. Jadi memang kerja sampai pukul dua je.”

Then, the guy gives me that little surprise look again. It’s not the first time I get that kind of look.

“Ish, akak cikgu ker? Tak nampak macam cikgu pun. Susah betul nak cari cikgu macam ni.”

Urgh, that kind of sentence can give 2 different interpretation. I hate it. But I smile and ask again out of curiosity.

“Kenapa dengan saya?”

“Tak delah, akak moden. Cantik. Tak macam cikgu. Macam orang kerja korporat. Kalau saya dapat cikgu macam akak, saya tak tinggal sekolah. Mesti saya tak duduk kat GIANT sekarang ni. ”

“Haish, pakai baju kebaya je pun dah macam kerja korporat?”

“HIsh, susah lah nak cakap. Tapi kesimpulannya saya tak sangka lah akak ni cikgu.”

I give him my last smile before I go out and reach for my car.

Seriously, this is not my first time getting this kind of expression when I tell people that I am a teacher. Maybe because I dress up a bit, stylish up my baju kurung with colourful bags and matching shoes, accessorize it with fancy earrings I collected and sometimes with a necklace. Plus, I’m not wearing tudung and I coloured my hair a little perang. So, maybe that makes me NOT look like a normal teacher.

Whatever pun, I’m proud of my job and I don’t car what people think of me as a teacher.

MY BIRTHDAY + ANNIVERSARY WISH LISTS

I know I am 8 days late, but I dun care and I still want to wish myself a nice happy birthday and may good life leads ahead. Many days gone but I still got birthday wishes from the nicest people. Thanks a lot, dearests. I am so lucky surrounded by such caring people.

I went to KLCC to get my DIOR compact powder and BOBBI BROWN lipstick, just a little treat for myself. I also bought some cheap baju to prepare me for the classes. ISETAN had its SALE and I got thrown into the SALE signs. I managed to take a look at the baby department searching for a present for ‘my future baby’ inside SUDI’S tummy. However, due to kerambangan mata, I couldn’t decide wut to buy so I seeked help from the expert, my mummy.

However, mak said it’ not very nice to give baby present to unborn baby. Takot anything happen, touch wood. But I followed her advice lah, so I plan to buy sudi’s baby present when the baby is born.

Talking about baby, I remembered how much I love babies. I love kids sssooooo very much that I choose to become a teacher just to entertain my desire of being surrounded by these beautiful creatures. I might be exaggerating, but I truly love my job.

BUT, ‘liking’ babies and kids and enjoying to be surrounded by them really doesn’t require me to get married early, right? Well, at least that’s wut I think. Frankly, who doesn’t wanna get married? Men, women, lesbo or homos, all want to have some kind of ending or ‘settle-down’ time at their later time, right? Same goes to me. I, too, want to get married, have kids, and so on. But seriously, who am I to decide when and with whom shall I get married, kan?

Once, I had the most outrageous imagination about how my wedding would look like. I also had the unspeakable ‘angan-angan’ about my life as a mother and as a wife. Every time I had a boyfriend, this is the kind of things I would imagine to have if I ever got married to the man I was dating. Personally, I thought it was normal for women to have such thinking.

But then, I realize life is not as easy as what you plan. In 2006, PAKCIk came to England to visit me for the second time. It was our second year together so we celebrated it with some kind of plan on how we should go about our relationship. He, a divorcee, had to work damn hard to win my parents’ heart. So, we plan to start right after I got back from UK. That time, I should be in KL completing my final year in IPBA. A year, that should be enough for my parents to know how was he. Then, we planned to arrange so that I could be posted in KL. This should make it easier because we wouldn’t want another long-distance relationship especially after we got married.

BUT, like is said, it was just a plan. God tested us in the middle of the way. Some kind of big challenge appeared just before I got back from UK, just before the plan being ‘launched’. IT SPOILT EVERYTHING. JUST EVERYTHING.

But who am I to complain? It was a test, I took it as a test, believing that a good time will come ahead. People go through ups and downs all the time and they survive, why not us? Because of that particular incident, PAKCIk and I decided to take more time in planning our future together, in this case, it means we have to change the plan all over again. My parents were deeply bruised, no way will they heal in short weeks, or even months, it could take years. So, I registered as a new postgraduate trying to pursue my Masters Degree in few years. That should give me enough time to gain my strength back and make a little move ahead.

Some ask, why don’t make a move now, tell my parents and go get married? It is not that easy, right? The bruises might worsen. My parents will definitely be sad and devastated. How on earth could a daughter take that? So, if taking a step ahead kills them, I would rather not. I’m not lying to them, but I would rather let them thing that I just have no interest in getting married yet.

Then again, others ask, why do I stay in this relationship that long when I know there is no ending and breaking my parents’ heart? My answer is, I’m not sure if there is no ending. There must be one. So, I want to stick around and find out wut the ending is. Walking away from this beautiful relationship might make many people happier, but it is definitely not going to make any sense to me. If this means I wouldn’t be married any time sooner, or getting my own baby, I accept that. After all, I, too, have to take good care of my own heart, right? I might sound selfish, but there is no way I’m going to put my feelings away to satisfy others. After all, I think I am the one who take the suffers.

Looking at my married friends, attending weddings, those make me really happy. I love weddings, I love kids, but they are not meant for me, at least not yet. I don’t expect people to understand, especially my parents. They are being hurt too much, I know. But I do expect people who know about this to understand. My love life is just too challenging, and too painful, but those make it really really good memory.

With these explanations, I think I sound fair enough. No one get hurts. So far, THESE ARE MY PLANS. If, if there would be any spoilers this time, I think I am going to have to kill them. Really.

PAKCIK and I agree with this plan. So, this is the principal that I will hold on to as I go through my 25th year of life. HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY, SAYANG.

MY DAY TODAY

Some of my students didn’t complete my work yesterday. I had to scold them and scare the whole class. Mane tak mengamuk, the excuses were “saya tertinggal buku bawah meja, buku saya hilang” so on so on. It’s only my second year of teaching but I already got used to such answers. Two of the students were my colleagues’ sons, IFWAt and FARHAN. I told my colleagues about it. Lucky both for them were ok with my decision to punish their sons. However, I apologised to have to punish their sons and asked them to double check their books later. Boys, they could be soooo cunning.

Remember I talked about the guy who bermasam muka with me during the camp? I thought things would be okay after the camp, but it didn’t seem that way. So, I called him using PAKCIK’s handphone as I know he wouldn’t pick up my phone call. That way, he would have no choice but to talk to me, kan. So, then, I asked him wutz up about this bermasam muka thingy. He said it was nothing. He was mad lah because I didn’t come down for the night watch, but he said it was over. Plus, he was angry to all who didn’t come down for the night watch, not to me alone. I said sorry and he was ok with it. Men, so good at twisting things, kan? If he was totally dah over, why bermasam muka with me still kat school, kan? Like I said, they are so good with words. Wutever pun, I consider my job is done.

I punched out at 12.30pm and went for a taklimat on INFLUENZA A H1N1 at SRJKC TSUN JIN, Kg Pandan. The Guru Besar yang supposedly kena pegi, but somehow I had to represent her. As a ‘SAYA YANG MENURUT PERINTAH’, I just went there with a happy heart. Hah, kau. I was surrounded by all GBs and PengetuaS. Gosh, ngarut betul. The taklimat was very good, giving us much useful info. However, at the end of it, the emcee made a little announcement. He told us that the decision has been made that PPSMI will be terminated in 2012. Guess wut, u could literally hear the sound of sigh in the auditorium full of almost 400 people; educators to be exact. Most of them did not agree with the decision, especially when they know that the decision was made due to political pressure. However, wut can we do as normal citizen, kan? Tunggulah aku pulak jadi education minister nnt. Hahaha.

Today, there was a cute note pasted on my table that said “TO MISS JULIA, THIS IS YOUR STUDENT, AHMAD SUFI IFWAT. I AM SORRY NOT FINISH HOMEWORK. I KNOW YOU ANGRY. I AM SORRY BECAUSE I LOVE U SO MUCH”.

My heart melted. GOSH, they have such nicest ways to touch people’s heart, my heart especially. God, I love my job.

THE SUCKEST BIRTHDAY

On Friday, I went to school half prepared. We had bacaan Yasin early morning and I dedicated it to the best people around me. Half of the day, my colleagues and I helped the kids to practise for the Malam Kebudayaan at the stupid camp. 12.05 sharp, I punched out and drove my car home to send lunch for my housemate, Zila and straight away headed to meet Makmal.

Owh, btw, did I mention that Makmal is my friend back in IPBA? We both started to keep in touch after Yusse’s wedding which we went together. Apparently we got to know that both of us were applying Masters at the same University under the same Faculty.

Then, we started to keep each other updates about new postgraduates in UM and decided to go for the registration together. So, I picked her up in Tmn Melawati. We arrived in UM just in time for a cup of drink, a little discussion about which classes to take and then we went to register as the new postgraduate students in University of Malaya. We also headed to the Faculty of Language and Linguistics, the faculty that we are under, to get all information that we missed during the briefing in the morning, which neither one of us could come due to our duty in school.

I reached home just in time to have a bath and a short rest. Then, PAKCIk called to ask me out for dinner and a birthday celebration. DAMN, I forgot that it was my birthday eve. I remembered about it yesterday, but it seemed to get away. I got myself ready for a little treat.

Btw, did I mention that I had headache and flu and cough? But I tried to pull it together because I knew PAKCIK must had plan something. Frankly, he is not romantic at all, which made it a lot sweeter when he tried to plan something for me. He bought a set HYPNOSE LANCOME for me. I used it before in 2006 to 2008 but recently I used MISS DIOR CHERIE BLOOMING BOUQUET. I guess he didn’t really like the smell so he bought me the one he liked.

We had a fine dinner at PJ Hilton. We talked and laughed. Then, we went in to The Uncle Chilli’s, the PJ Hilton’s bar which I am very familiar with. We listened to music, danced a bit and watched some shows and then I asked to be sent home because I was so sleepy and tired. When arrived home, it was 03.00am.

Three hours later, I woke up. I did final check on my stuff. At 7.15am, I started my journey to THE GENTING VALLEY CAMP, Ulu Yam. I had a map in my hand, which was drawn by a colleague of mine. The map was so helpful, thanks to him. In the middle of the way, I came across two nasty accidents which delayed my journey for almost 45 minutes. I got scared and nervous and I cried. The routes were so scary. I stopped at the roadside to get my strength back.

I arrived at the camp just a few minutes before they went off for the jungle trekking. Damn. I didn’t plan to join them, especially when I knew I was not capable of doing so due to the flu and headache and cough. I went off still but with a hell of a face. I was back to my high school time, redah hutan, lalang, lumpur, sungai and many more. I used to like these activities before sooo much, but NOT NOW. I WAS 25 YEARS OLD TODAY AND I JUST DON’T NEED THOSE STUFF!!! Plus, I got some rashes al over my neck and hands. It seriously was itchy and I kept scratching

In the evening, after those tiring activities, I went into the river with ZAMILAH and THERESA. KAK YUS joined in later and we had our little picnic. It was peaceful for a moment. But it got my flu and cough worse.

During the Malam Kebudayaan, I was so sleepy. I didn’t want to become the emcee with such a sleepy face, so someone else had to do it for me reluctantly. I noticed that someone had been bermasam muka with me since the jungle trekking. I guess he was made at me, but I couldn’t understand why.

I went back to sleep for a while, planning to get up at 1.00am because I was on duty for the night watch. But then, I only woke up when the clock had shown 5.50am. it wasn’t my fault, I had set the alarm and I had asked a friend of mine to wake me up, but both didn’t seem to work. But then, I heard from another friend that the person who was already so bermasam muka with me, was so angry that I didn’t join the night watch. He said I was so irresponsible and I had to hear that from other person.

Fine, it was my mistake, I as not the only one who didn’t go for the night watch. There were many more and he didn’t masam muke pun with the others. Pus, macamlah he didn’t have my number or knew my room. He could have called or knocked the door, kan? But he didn’t. so, he just wanted to make a point to be soooo angry with me. But, hey, I didn’t give a bloody shit. Dah datang situ pun dah cukup bagus, dengan keadaan separuh sihat. Siap suruh join all the activities.

But just as I prayed, God did lend me His little piece of strength to me. I went through the suckest birthday with the best spirit. PAKCIK offered me to get a medical cert so that I could rest at home tomorrow. Looking at me with such tired face, unenergetic, sick, suffered with flu and cough, plus the rashes that got my skin all red, I guess he felt sorry. See, he is the most annoying guy in my life yet he is the only person who cares and concerns about e the most. But I declined the med cert. I wanted to go to school to meet the kids because I knew they would cheer me up. I’m sure they would because they are the purest features in the world.

Btw, today is the FIFTH YEAR ANNIVERSARY of me and PAKCIK. On the way home from Ulu Yam, I went to a sports centre and bought him a pouch. His old one is rotten and plus I got it into the mud. I felt guilty so I bought him a new one.

Tonight, I shall go out again. I don’t want my suckest weekend to spoil the whole thing about my newly 25-years-old life. I will talk about the wish in my next entry. As for now, I need to get myself ready for CAPTAIN’S CABIN: THE SHIP to watch CHEMISTRY.

SPEECHLESS

PAKCIK said it's a miracle if i say i'm speechless as for him, i speak as much as i breath.

DAMN. He is so true. Why does he need to understand me too much?

Btw, that is not why i am speechless. A month ago, i made a little plan for my birthday celebration, mainly a fine dinner and a karaoke session with my friends and a little time with my annoying boyfriend. maybe movie. As usual, i plan early due to my freak nature of getting obsessed to plan things waaayyyyy tooo ahead.

Three weeks ago, my GPK Ko-kurikulum came to see me and told me that i will be one of the facilitator at the camp, which put me to the utmost feeling of surprise. I asked her when is the camp and she gave me that killing answer, "3 sampai 5 Julai lah."

my heartbeat became faster. The last time my birthday fall on a weekend was when i was in high school, i think. Wutever, ok.. but my point is, i cannot take it when my birthday is being spoilt, especially with things like being a facilitator in some camp and being trapped there for over nights. There goes my birthday plans, right??

I truly was speechless.

then, 2 weeks ago, i bumped into an old friend at KLCC. I was there to watch TRANSFORMERS with PAKCIK. We had a brief conversation, and then she told me this one big news about another friend. This friend of mine was a competition in many ways, and then now she is married to someone whom i secretly adored years back. How on earth could this happen?? Not that I am jealous as i am no longer 'secretly adore' that particular guy. But hey, I met him first. I noticed him when she didn't even bother about him or any other guys. From wut i heard, they became close last year in October and now they are married. Wut a 'fair' life, kan.

Again, I was speechless.

If you have read my previous entry, you might know the sory about how UM has been cancelling and postponing things due to H1N1 thingy. That, personally, upsets me too. but i rather not talk about it again as i am now trying so hard to pull my strength together to go for the registration tomorrow at 3pm. It had been killing me to wait for that date, now it's tomorrow. I am still nervous to get back to 'school' and becoming student again. I am not sure i can do it or not. there are some of my batch who are already and going to further study to get their masters. But to tell the truth, them, i wont be surprise. they are all geniuses, bright students, extremely intelligent and many more. On the contrary, I am such an average student, not brilliant at all, not a straight A student, seriously, if u go to the same school with me, u will know how 'average' i am. In some ways, it got me demotivated, knowing that I am just the plain 'bunga tahi ayam' among all the beautful roses.

I am speechless, and demotivated.

And now i am having flu, coughing like nobody's business, sore throat and pain all over my body. How am i supposed to go through the spoilt weekend like this?? With the registration in Um tomorrow, camping the whole weekend @ Genting Valley (name bukan main sedap je, tp entah ape rupe tempat tu, no one knows.) and many more..

God, please lend me a piece of your strength, just for this one weekend.