YOU SAID.. BUT HE SAID..

You said I am the hottest girl you have ever met.
He said I am beautiful enough to capture his heart.

You said I am the prettiest in a lovely pink dress.
He said I am the prettiest when I’m in sweat after the gym

You said I have the sweetest smile
He said he prefers my loud laugh than my smile

You said I have the sweetest voice
He said I talk too much.

You gave a hug when I was down,
He just held my hands in silence.

You cancelled all appointments to throw a surprise birthday party for me,
He gave a small gift and a little prayer.

You said you will never leave me
He said he will be right next to me

You said you loved me so much.
He said he cared.

You said all the nicest words.
He said the least.
But somehow, he is the one who is still here, when you broke my whole heart into pieces.

THE STORY OF THE NOTEBOOK

It was a story book, so they say. I have definitely heard of the title, but never had I been bothered to read the best-selling novel by Nicholas Sparks called The Notebook.

It was a long time ago.

Until one day, a very boring day, I locked myself in the room doing nothing but surfing the net. There was these quizzes in Facebook that people kept on answering, something like “What kind of men you attracted to” or “What song you are” or “Which celebrity you are” and so on.

So, out of tedium, I answered some of the quizzes. Of course I would not believe any of the things said in the quizzes. Some of the things were true, as in coincidently true. Like the kind of guy I was attracted to was the bad guys, which was true. I always had the urge about some bad boys, but not all kind. Of course I wouldn’t find murderers attractive.

There was another quiz about the things that were always in my handbag. It answered “handphone, tissue, ipod and camera” which were all true. But of course there were other things in my handbags too but my point was, they were relatively true.

I answered a quiz about “WHAT MOVIE YOUR LOVE STORY IS”. The answer given to me was THE NOTEBOOK.

I didn’t know what devil got into me, but I went all over to find the novel. I went all over to find the movie. And finally, I found both after a long search. Seriously, it’s not like I believed every single thing about the quiz. I didn’t believe anything about the quiz at all. I just wanted to fill in my curiosity. I wanted to know what the story was all about. And maybe, I wanted to see if they are coincidentally similar with my love story, again.

But I watched the movie, and I read the novel.

And I heard myself said,

“Shit.”

JUST ONE WORD

I thought I have deleted you from my phonebook.

But why am I still checking my phone every 5 minutes?

I thought I have trashed your pictures into the recycle bin.

But why is it here on my desktop?

I thought you are no longer on every page of my diary.

But do I keep stretching your names on papers?

I thought I have crashed the frame with your picture in it.

But why is it still there on my table?

I thought you are the sweetest man.

But you are the meanest.

I thought you are brave and romantic.

But you are a coward and lame.

I thought you have given me happy memories.

But instead you have given me the worst.

You came into my life with beautiful words.

But you left with killing silence.

You came with such slow emotions,

But you left as quickly as the lightning.

You came in benevolence and kindness.

But you left in cruelty and nastiness.

You put smiles and laughter on my face.

And you also put tears on it.

You made me wanting to see you every single day.

But you made me hate you in just one night.

You made me happy in so many wonderful ways.

And you left me in just one hurtful way.

How I wish that you could just say a word before you left.

Just one word.

To keep me away from wondering.

To keep me away from questioning.

To make me stop waiting.

To make me stop wanting.

I thought I have rejected you from my life.

Why do I keep thinking about you?

Why do you keep coming back?

Why do the memories keep haunting me?

Now that you have left.

Please, I beg of you.

Please, just go on and leave.

Please bring your memories with you.

I need you to go.

Please.

AND IT HAS BROKEN

I always believe that God works in His own mysterious ways.

I always believe in faith and destiny.

I always believe that things happen for some specific reasons.

To see things in normality is not my expertise.

To be rationale is also not something I’m good at.

Not for the past few weeks.

And to fall in love is not something I plan.

Definitely NOT.

I didn’t think it was a crime.

I didn’t think I fall in love.

I didn’t think it was happening.

I didn’t think it was real anyway.

But I did. I fall in love.

Love is God’s gift.

It is like a piece of glass.

So clean and clear.

So pure and transparent.

So beautiful and nice.

So strong and protective.

Suddenly, after a while, when you think that glass can cheer you up,

When things go out of hand,

The glass breaks.

And when it breaks, it becomes as sharp as the tip of the sword.

It cuts your skin, and bleed you heart.

And IT HAS BROKEN.

It cut through my deepest heart.

I don’t easily fall in love.

Not at all.

But when I do, I really will appreciate it.

I will take good care of it.

I will treasure every moment of it.

I will do anything to cherish it.

But like I said, I can’t handle too much love.

I don’t want to know your feelings.

I don’t want to know what you are thinking.

I don’t want to hear what you want to say.

For me, silence is better.

So, I make the decision in my silence.

Without a word and gesture.

Despite all the things I have done.

Despite the love I already poured.

Despite all the enjoyable moments I had.

I decided to leave you.

Trust me, it’s not easy to leave someone you deeply care.

Especially when you know that someone doesn’t care less about you.

Especially not someone you recently discover that you fall in love with.

Good bye.

(5.37am, 21st November 2009)

"I REJECT YOU"

When I first met you, we were at the very distinctive edges, no point of getting connected in any way. But somehow, we did. Through some events, we got connected over the years. It was a good moment, I have to say.


We got connected even more than that. We spent time together, and we had so much happy time. You gave me some good reasons to wake up in the morning. You had put smile on my face.


But it was never real, right? Soon, the connection between us was getting lesser and lesser. It was so painful suddenly. The wait, the challenge, the uncertainty, made me so sick. Bullshit, but I knew it hurt my heart some ways.


You did things extraordinarily. Amazed me, caught my heart, made me want to like you more. I hated it. I was supposed to more rational but I didn’t.


I guess, you were never serious anyway. What happened was just another phase. For me, there were a lot of things that made me happy, but between us, there was nothing special. Although for you there might be something between us, but truth is, there was nothing.


So, here I am, after a long chase but a short grab, I reject you. I do not want you in my life anymore. You are sweet, but so bitter. I love you, so much, but you are too painful. I can’t afford to be with you anymore. The improbability that I cannot face.




HOW I WISH I CAN SAY THIS TO YOU… but I can’t. I just won’t.

WOMEN VS MEN..IN RELATIONSHIP

Woman in a relationship:

When a woman first realizes that she is in a relationship with a man of her dream, she will start dialing her BFF and friends and inform them about the ‘big’ news. She will start by telling them how he has made the move to actually want her to be his girlfriend. The bills at the end of the month, urgh, ugly. But she doesn’t care. Yang penting, boleh share the important moment with the girls.

Man in a relationship:

When a man first realizes that he has asked someone to become his girlfriend, he will go home, lock himself in the room and start telling himself, “Shit, what did I do?”

Woman in a relationship:

Full of enthusiasm, woman in a relationship will immediately change her status in facebook or friendster or myspace to “in a relationship”. Habis semua description kat dlm tu penuh dgn description org yg tgh deeply in love.

STATUS: IN A RELATIONSHIP

HOMETOWN: NEXT TO MY SAYANG

WHO I WANT TO MEET: MY BELOVED BOYFRIEND =)

Man in a relationship:

He will not change his status in fb or friendster or myspace sampailah one day the girlfriend asks, ”kenapa u tak tukar status ‘single’ you tu jadi ‘in a relationship’?”

Woman in a relationship:

She immediately will change her wallpaper in her handphone and the picture in the desktop to the picture of her and her boyfriend. Nampak sweet sangat2… habis semua gambar2 diorg di’expose’kan kat dalam internet. Trying to broadcast their love story lah konon.

Man in a relationship:

If possible, he wants to hide all the pictures that the girlfriend takes in his handphone. He feels like deleting all of them knowing that maybe his friends might overlook someday. Nampak mcm mat kental pulak simpan gambar berlaga2 pipi dengan girlfriend dalam handphone. What more in the internet. Not a chance la he wants to broadcast their relationship in internet.

Woman in a relationship:

She will start marking her calendars for special events like first date, first lunch together, first time holding hand, first movie together, first time walking in the rain together, first kiss, first time taking a bus because his car run out of gas, first time he smile showing off his teeth, first time taking a commuter together, first dance, first candlelight dinner, first picnic together, first football game together, first vacation, first bla bla bla

Man in a relationship:

When you ask them, “Sayang, you ingat lagi tak bila kita first time keluar dating?” and he will answer, “Erk, last month kot? Ke last year? I tak ingat lah darling…”

Woman in a relationship:

From the first time they go out as a couple, she starts to collect every single thing related to them as memories. Movie tickets, bus and LRT tickets, cards, receipts of dinners and lunches, receipt masuk toilet kat KLCC pun nak simpan jugak. Then, she will nicely put them in a log book, paste them and decorate them with all the nice and flowery words. Once a while, she will open the book and take a look at them, recalling all the memories they create together.

Man in a relationship:

Jangan kata simpan, kalau boleh semua benda tu dia buang dulu, jgn lah tinggal merata2, especially not in his car. His excuse will be, “Nanti ayah I pakai kereta and dia nampak ada resit parking kereta kat karaoke ni, habis I kena marah.’

Woman in a relationship:

Can’t live a second without any news from her boyfriend. If possible, she needs to be wherever he is. And if she can’t be with him, she needs to get calls or sms or emails from him, like all the time. Bgn pagi je terus capai handphone and call. “You dah bgn ke belum? Tido mimpi I tak?”. After one hour, she calls again asking him whether he already had his breakfast, whether he has arrived at the workplace, whether he has parked his car at the correct place, whether he has sat down at his chair, whether he has switched on his computer (so that they can continue chatting at facebook pulak).

Man in a relationship:

After the tenth sms, then only he will reply by saying, “MEETING.” When the girlfriend calls and asking his whereabouts for the hundredth times, he will answer, “You ni tak percaya kat I ker, asyik tanya I kat mane, I kat mane.” And when she wants to talk over the phone for a long time, his frown will appear on his forehead, trying to imagine the phone bills at the end of the month, and he will cut off and say, “Sayang, I ada kerja ni, nanti I call u lagi, ok.” And he never returns the call.

Woman in a relationship:

Not enough with calls and sms, she wants to chat with him over Ym or facebook or myspace. Sudah tu, if the boyfriend doesn’t online (due to some technical problems or simply because he has other work to do), she will get mad, leaving all those depressed status in facebook, send him nasty emails and sms and say. “You dah tak sayang I dah.”

Man in a relationship:

Eh, tak cukup lagi ke dengan call and sms, nk kena chatting pulak, nak kena email jugak??? *Confused* Esok kalau kahwin ni, aku kena ikat ker kena gari agaknya?

Woman in a relationship:

If they got into fight, habis semua orang tau. Of course people will know, she will breadcast their fighting moment in internet. Tu baru 15 minit gaduh tu. And people will start asking, what happen, are you okay, bla bla bla….

Man in a relationship:

He doesn’t even know that they are fighting until one of the girl’s friend calls him and ask, “Kau gaduh dengan girlfriend kau ker?” He couldn’t care less. Tu pun he will answer, “Taklah, Selisih paham sikit je.” Ala, gaduh sikit, Sehari dua oklah tu. Wait until both of them cool down a bit la.

PS: Men and women, they are too much of differences, yet, they are uniquely put together. How strange, huh? That is God’s greatest creation, Human.

EXCUSES

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Sabarlah dulu, kita kan tengah belajar lagi.. tunggulah saya dah kerja.

Woman: Bila awak nk kawin dengan saya?
Man: Saya baru start kerja. Bagilah saya kumpul duit dulu. Nak kawin dengan awak tu bukannya
murah. Entah brape lah parents awak letak duit hantaran awak nanti.

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Sabarlah, saya tengah sibuk kumpul duit ni. Kereta pun tak ade lagi.

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Kan saya baru beli kereta. Byk duit saya habis nak byr downpayment hari tu. Sabarlah dulu. Saya beli kereta ni pun untuk kesenangan awak jugak.

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Sabarlah dulu, saya nak bila awak kawin dengan saya nanti awak dah ada rumah untuk tinggal. Takkan nak duduk rumah parents awak sampai bila2. so, bagilah saya cari rumah dulu.

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Saya baru nak kumpul duit beli rumah. Yang mane satu awak nak dulu ni? Nak kawin dengan awak tapi duduk tepi jalan ke, atau nak tunggu dulu supaya saya dpt beli rumah yang selesa?

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Sabarlah dulu, saya baru beli rumah. Byk pakai duit beli rumah. Duit lawyer lagi.

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Awak tak nak ker beli perabot untuk rumah kita tu? Tak nak ke renovate sikit2 supaya nampak cantik and perfect?

Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya?
Man: Mcm mane nak kawin dengan awak, parents awak tak suka saya…
Woman: Habis tu, selama ni awak suruh saya tunggu untuk ape? Kalau tak nak kawin dengan saya, kenapa tak cakap je awal2? Tak payahlah saya tunggu bagai nak rak. Alasan je semata. Bangang.