When I first met you, we were at the very distinctive edges, no point of getting connected in any way. But somehow, we did. Through some events, we got connected over the years. It was a good moment, I have to say.
We got connected even more than that. We spent time together, and we had so much happy time. You gave me some good reasons to wake up in the morning. You had put smile on my face.
But it was never real, right? Soon, the connection between us was getting lesser and lesser. It was so painful suddenly. The wait, the challenge, the uncertainty, made me so sick. Bullshit, but I knew it hurt my heart some ways.
You did things extraordinarily. Amazed me, caught my heart, made me want to like you more. I hated it. I was supposed to more rational but I didn’t.
I guess, you were never serious anyway. What happened was just another phase. For me, there were a lot of things that made me happy, but between us, there was nothing special. Although for you there might be something between us, but truth is, there was nothing.
So, here I am, after a long chase but a short grab, I reject you. I do not want you in my life anymore. You are sweet, but so bitter. I love you, so much, but you are too painful. I can’t afford to be with you anymore. The improbability that I cannot face.
HOW I WISH I CAN SAY THIS TO YOU… but I can’t. I just won’t.
When a woman first realizes that she is in a relationship with a man of her dream, she will start dialing her BFF and friends and inform them about the ‘big’ news. She will start by telling them how he has made the move to actually want her to be his girlfriend. The bills at the end of the month, urgh, ugly. But she doesn’t care. Yang penting, boleh share the important moment with the girls.
Man in a relationship:
When a man first realizes that he has asked someone to become his girlfriend, he will go home, lock himself in the room and start telling himself, “Shit, what did I do?”
Woman in a relationship:
Full of enthusiasm, woman in a relationship will immediately change her status in facebook or friendster or myspace to “in a relationship”. Habis semua description kat dlm tu penuh dgn description org yg tgh deeply in love.
STATUS: IN A RELATIONSHIP
HOMETOWN: NEXT TO MY SAYANG
WHO I WANT TO MEET: MY BELOVED BOYFRIEND =)
Man in a relationship:
He will not change his status in fb or friendster or myspace sampailah one day the girlfriend asks, ”kenapa u tak tukar status ‘single’ you tujadi ‘in a relationship’?”
Woman in a relationship:
She immediately will change her wallpaper in her handphone and the picture in the desktop to the picture of her and her boyfriend. Nampak sweet sangat2… habis semua gambar2 diorg di’expose’kan kat dalam internet. Trying to broadcast their love story lah konon.
Man in a relationship:
If possible, he wants to hide all the pictures that the girlfriend takes in his handphone. He feels like deleting all of them knowing that maybe his friends might overlook someday. Nampak mcm mat kental pulak simpan gambar berlaga2 pipi dengan girlfriend dalam handphone. What more in the internet. Not a chance la he wants to broadcast their relationship in internet.
Woman in a relationship:
She will start marking her calendars for special events like first date, first lunch together, first time holding hand, first movie together, first time walking in the rain together, first kiss, first time taking a bus because his car run out of gas, first time he smile showing off his teeth, first time taking a commuter together, first dance, first candlelight dinner, first picnic together, first football game together, first vacation, first bla bla bla
Man in a relationship:
When you ask them, “Sayang, you ingat lagi tak bila kita first time keluar dating?” and he will answer, “Erk, last month kot? Ke last year? I tak ingat lah darling…”
Woman in a relationship:
From the first time they go out as a couple, she starts to collect every single thing related to them as memories. Movie tickets, bus and LRT tickets, cards, receipts of dinners and lunches, receipt masuk toilet kat KLCC pun nak simpan jugak. Then, she will nicely put them in a log book, paste them and decorate them with all the nice and flowery words. Once a while, she will open the book and take a look at them, recalling all the memories they create together.
Man in a relationship:
Jangan kata simpan, kalau boleh semua benda tu dia buang dulu, jgn lah tinggal merata2, especially not in his car. His excuse will be, “Nanti ayah I pakai kereta and dia nampak ada resit parking kereta kat karaoke ni, habis I kena marah.’
Woman in a relationship:
Can’t live a second without any news from her boyfriend. If possible, she needs to be wherever he is. And if she can’t be with him, she needs to get calls or sms or emails from him, like all the time. Bgn pagi je terus capai handphone and call. “You dah bgn ke belum? Tido mimpi I tak?”. After one hour, she calls again asking him whether he already had his breakfast, whether he has arrived at the workplace, whether he has parked his car at the correct place, whether he has sat down at his chair, whether he has switched on his computer (so that they can continue chatting at facebook pulak).
Man in a relationship:
After the tenth sms, then only he will reply by saying, “MEETING.” When the girlfriend calls and asking his whereabouts for the hundredth times, he will answer, “You ni tak percaya kat I ker, asyik tanya I kat mane, I kat mane.” And when she wants to talk over the phone for a long time, his frown will appear on his forehead, trying to imagine the phone bills at the end of the month, and he will cut off and say, “Sayang, I ada kerja ni, nanti I call u lagi, ok.” And he never returns the call.
Woman in a relationship:
Not enough with calls and sms, she wants to chat with him over Ym or facebook or myspace. Sudah tu, if the boyfriend doesn’t online (due to some technical problems or simply because he has other work to do), she will get mad, leaving all those depressed status in facebook, send him nasty emails and sms and say. “You dah tak sayang I dah.”
Man in a relationship:
Eh, tak cukup lagi ke dengan call and sms, nk kena chatting pulak, nak kena email jugak??? *Confused* Esok kalau kahwin ni, aku kena ikat ker kena gari agaknya?
Woman in a relationship:
If they got into fight, habis semua orang tau. Of course people will know, she will breadcast their fighting moment in internet. Tu baru 15 minit gaduh tu. And people will start asking, what happen, are you okay, bla bla bla….
Man in a relationship:
He doesn’t even know that they are fighting until one of the girl’s friend calls him and ask, “Kau gaduh dengan girlfriend kau ker?” He couldn’t care less. Tu pun he will answer, “Taklah, Selisih paham sikit je.” Ala, gaduh sikit, Sehari dua oklah tu.Wait until both of them cool down a bit la.
PS: Men and women, they are too much of differences, yet, they are uniquely put together. How strange, huh? That is God’s greatest creation, Human.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Sabarlah dulu, kita kan tengah belajar lagi.. tunggulah saya dah kerja.
Woman: Bila awak nk kawin dengan saya? Man: Saya baru start kerja. Bagilah saya kumpul duit dulu. Nak kawin dengan awak tu bukannya murah. Entah brape lah parents awak letak duit hantaran awak nanti.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Sabarlah, saya tengah sibuk kumpul duit ni. Kereta pun tak ade lagi.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Kan saya baru beli kereta. Byk duit saya habis nak byr downpayment hari tu. Sabarlah dulu. Saya beli kereta ni pun untuk kesenangan awak jugak.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Sabarlah dulu, saya nak bila awak kawin dengan saya nanti awak dah ada rumah untuk tinggal. Takkan nak duduk rumah parents awak sampai bila2. so, bagilah saya cari rumah dulu.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Saya baru nak kumpul duit beli rumah. Yang mane satu awak nak dulu ni? Nak kawin dengan awak tapi duduk tepi jalan ke, atau nak tunggu dulu supaya saya dpt beli rumah yang selesa?
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Sabarlah dulu, saya baru beli rumah. Byk pakai duit beli rumah. Duit lawyer lagi.
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Awak tak nak ker beli perabot untuk rumah kita tu? Tak nak ke renovate sikit2 supaya nampak cantik and perfect?
Woman: Bila awak nak kawin dengan saya? Man: Mcm mane nak kawin dengan awak, parents awak tak suka saya… Woman: Habis tu, selama ni awak suruh saya tunggu untuk ape? Kalau tak nak kawin dengan saya, kenapa tak cakap je awal2? Tak payahlah saya tunggu bagai nak rak. Alasan je semata. Bangang.
It has been a month and a half since I met into a terrible accident which cost me my car, my forehead, and also my good night sleeps. Yes, I hadn’t been sleeping well. I would wake up at 2am in the morning just because of an alarm went off from a stupid car down there. I would sleep at 12am but wake up at 4 just because I thought I would die. The images during the incident were flashing in front of my eyes every now and then.
So, PAKCIK arranged a holiday for me. At first, he planned for Melaka, but I was not into it. I was not into the holiday at all, because HE had been canceling holidays since many weeks ago. I barely can trust him anymore.
Finally, I told him I wanted to go to KUANTAN, visiting HUDA and EQIN.. frankly, I wanted to go alone at first, but he insisted of tagging along. He had to bring some clients to visit their new site projects after all. So, we planned for a small vacation.
On Friday night, we went to Tanjung Lumpur with Huda. God, I didn’t remember eating that much since accident. Though PAKCIK was in front of me, I rarely talked to him but instead I updated Huda about my current life. The chit-chatting session continued at Kuantan Kopitiam. I had wonderful time.
The next day, we went for lunch at Sri Affa Restaurant. Quite ok, but not up to my taste. We went to Megamall and hang out there with Eqin and Huda. We made Starbucks so noisy and filled with jokes and laughs. After that, me, Huda and Eqin went for pedi and mani while the guys went for foot massage.
Then, the time came for our little picnic at the seaside. Huda arrived first. Eqin and Hubby came with a basket of kuih muih. PAKCIK was already underwater. We sat at the beach, waiting for the sun to set and for the darkness to come. What a beautiful scenery to be shared with my beloved girls.
We continued our little reunion at dinner @ Hyatt Regency Resort, Kuantan. Though after that I had a fight with PAKCIK when he said he didn’t fancy the food there and would prefer Tanjung Lumpur, but I still had great time with my girls. PAKCIK didn’t understand why we wanted to eat spaghetti and pizzas when we can eat fresh seafood. I, on the other hand didn’t understand why he didn’t voice out a suggestion of place to eat that evening. Bangang. Psl mkn pun nk gaduh. (now u know what happens if the relationship has gone more than 5 years without a thing)
During dinner, we shared a lot of things, and I missed that a lot. If only sudiana and Yuni were there, the noice level would be much higher. Hahaha. I missed them terribly.
In the morning, I took a walk along the beach trying to rationalize myself. I sat down and mark my students’ papers and it was very relaxing. It was a great weekend, despite all the hassle I went through.
Hope to do this again in December. Luv u bits, girls.
Today, 14th October, genap 14 days I have lived a life without car. Frankly, it was not that difficult as I am surrounded by many caring and wonderful people.
People say that life must go on, despite all things that have ever happened in your life. I did that. I went on to my normal life, trying to be as normal as I could.
Frankly, it was easy at first. I managed to go back to work after 6 days of sick leave (including weekends). Looking at the school, it curved a bright smile. When I saw the kids, I smiled even broader. People were asking how had I been doing, and I answered “I’m good.” I mean, how else could I answer, right?
i had so many things to do.2 major assignments to be submitted at the end of the week, books mountaining to be marked, nasyid and action song to be practiced in school, presentation to be prepared, wedding Kak Yati to be attended. However busy my life have been, I had faced worse. So, I guess I can survive.
So, I live my life as happy as I can, trying to think that all problems can be solved, all matters are just a challenge n my life.
That’s during the day. I act perfectly normal and okay.
When night comes, my logical thinking sense disappears. It has been 2 weeks that I sleep almost at 2 o’clock in the morning, which is something so not normal to me. I usually will be in bed by 11pm. In addition to that, I will wake up around 4 or 5 am because I hear the sound of tyres stretching or car engine. Sometimes I will wake up in the morning sweating because of a horror dream, and that dream is actually a repetition of what I had gone through during the accident.
I didn’t know if this is what people call as trauma.
It becomes worse after I went to the workshop to see how my car was doing. I almost fainted to see how bad it was. Speechless. I kept saying, “Thank you, God, for giving me another chance to live.”
Mati hidup semula. That’s how I describe myself.
If only people can see right through my heart and understand how I live my life now, despite the picture of my car all over my mind…
