I DON'T KNOW

I'm trying to describe my relationship with Pakcik at this point.

I wrote before, that our relationship didn't make my parents happy. It is still not. We are trapped her not knowing what to do. But we both really love each other, dearly. And i said once, if taking another step of this relationship will make my parents sad, we would rather not to.

So, we live life hoping for God to lead us some answers. Clearly, He didn't hear us. He might have heard us, but refuse to help. I dunno. But we are still trapped, in a 6-year relationship which is going nowhere.

Getting married is not my issue, but getting married to him, is. I want to be his wife, not anyone else, so I decided to play along with this never ending game. I am happy, really. despite whatever people have done to us, I am very very happy with him.

So, yes, I have had what they call as scandals. Few of them, actually. Most of the time, they are just flings, I know they are just flings. I just wanted a little spark in my life, so i go for these scandals, in which I know, they are never real loves. They are just flings.

Most guys which I have encountered as my scandals are really not worth my time. They are either married, attached, engaged, whatever, whatever. Of coursse I know it will never be a real thing to me. I know. At the end of the day, I will come back to Pakcik, happily.

But then, someone appears. Seriously hoping for a real relationship from me. He is not married, not attached, in fact, I know him a while back, which makes it easier for us to communicate. We have shared some common background. Suddenly, I feel scared.

I am scared because suddenly I feel like this is not just another scandal, not just another fling. The whole possibility he has put in front of me makes me really shaking. He is too good to be true, but there he is, for real.

I am scared because all this while I was pushing the reality about getting married and have kids because I don't think I am capable of doing them without marrying Pakcik. I was pushing away those dreams because I didnt think I can pursue them. But then he appears. His appearance suddenly opens up the possibilities.

He knows about Pakcik, and he wants to wait, he wants to make things work out between us, slowly. And he is being so surprisingly understanding. Seriously, is he for real???

I like him, I like every single thing about him. But then, even though we have known each other before, we were not very close. So, there are still empty spaces to be filled. The great thing is, he takes times, no rush. So far, he accepts me the way I am, and I begin to do the same. I begin to search for him when I am in trouble. We begin to see things in the same perspectives, we begin to plan things together, and seriously, that is really scary.

Of course, it is still too early to tell. I have known Pakcik for 6 years, and we are still arguing about where we want to eat for dinner. But then, his appearance makes me feel impatient. I cannot wait.

I always turn to my best girls for anything. I would always ask them from the tiniest thing. I always seek their opinions and their shoulders whenever I need them. At this point of time, I really want to tell them every single thing, but I'm afraid that I will only bore them with this story. Well, I definitely will. They might think this as another scandal, and they won't care less. They will only take a deep breath and said "Owh, dah agak dah.."

I dun think I can tell them that this might not be another scandal because they will not understand the situation. Plus, they might not like the idea of me leaving Pakcik for this guy. I don't know what to expect from them. I usually want their ears, but I know sometimes, even that is too much too ask. So, basically, I am all alone in this matter.

Owh, not really alone, coz I told my mum about this guy. There u go! I haven't told about any guys to them after they disagree about Pakcik. She likes the idea. But I told my mum, don't hope too much. It's too early.

But I will be the stupidest person in the whole wide world if I don't make a wise decision. I don't know. I am so speechless.

UNSPOKEN WORDS

It has been quite some time since last I put my thought here. I guess I have been very busy. Last May, I was so busy with my assignments, exams and work. And something so bad happened to our family, to my beloved mother.

I was planning for a weekend getaway with my best girl, Huda. We planned for a trip to Surabaya, all paid for. But then, I got a phone call from daddy saying that mum was admitted to Hospital Putra Batu Pahat and she was about to have a major surgery to remove both of her breasts. To my surprise, never did I ever thought that mum was diagnosed with breasts cancer.

My vision went dark, my thought had gone crazy, I was out of control. I cried the whole journey home.

It happened like in dream.

Up till today, I still cannot believe my mother is suffering with breasts cancer. I cannot believe.

But every thing is written in God's hand. She is still alive and happy, for that, I have to be thankful. She is now undergoing chemotherapy.

I have lost words on how to describe my sadness. The only thing I can do is to stare to the sky, hoping for HIM to hear my unspoken words.

TRAPPED IN THE ELEVATOR

Last night, PAKCIK asked for a night out. He mentioned Iron Man 2 quite a few times, so I figured maybe he wanted to watch it with me. So, yeah, exam is over, and I don’t really have much to do, so I told him, “Jomlah”.

But before that, PAKCIK wanted to buy his groceries, which of course I have to go along too. One thing about him is that, he’s not good in grocery shopping. He’s quite a spender, and he would buy unnecessary things. For the past 4 years, I have been the one c=putting things into the trolley and he has always been the one pushing it, and paying for the items inside the trolley.

Yesterday, it’s like a monthly routine. Went out for dinner, and then went straight to GIANT in Bukit Antarabangsa. We like to go there because there’s not much of a crowd, and because we like to have dinner at a Thai Restaurant nearby.

So, we went into the elevator with our trolley, and there it happened. The elevator jammed and the air-conditioning system stopped. Little that we knew, we were trapped in the elevator.

PAKCIk pushed the emergency button many times to attract people’s attention (and to get help, of course) but no one seems to hear us. It was almost 10.00 pm and the fact that GIANT was almost closed freaked me out. I got panicked especially because no one responded our scream. Well, frankly, he didn’t scream, it was me all along.

Surprisingly, PAKCIK was way too calm that it bothered me a lot. I started imagining, but PAKCIK kept mentioning that our food in the trolley can last at least a week, and that we were ok. I it was so hot in there and I began to fear of the worst.

The next 15 minutes was only about giving my whole trust to him. He could see that in my eyes, and understood my fear. Getting trapped in the elevator might be a minor thing, but getting trapped in an elevator when really no one was around and when midnight was approaching, it was scary.

We finally heard someone from out. We responded. Few minutes later, the elevator went dark and moved. The door was opened and I could hear myself breathing again. I swore I wanted to sue them for being late, but I found myself laughing.

PAKCIK said that I almost cried. I denied. But yeah, he could really see that on my face.

Gosh, we still managed to catch that movie and went home safely.

My first time trapped in the elevator.

STRENGTH AND PRAYERS

Exam is over. I have wanted to spend my time to rest and enjoy things.

It began last week, after my last paper on Monday. My SFL friends and I spend some money over Korean food and we just loved it.

Then, over the weekend, i went home with dearest ZURA and so that i can gather around with my beloved family to celebrate my mom’s birthday. Very short weekend, but really worth it. I bought my mom a gold bracelet for her birthday. She was happy. I was happy having the most important people around me.

Another thing which makes me happy at this moment is the fact that my big boss is not in school, which makes my life so much easier. Monday was my colleagues’ birthday. I didn’t get the chance to celebrate with them, or buy presents for them. But maybe in few days time.

How i wish life is just as easy as these few days, but I won’t it won’t be like this forever. Big boss is coming back to work in few days time. In few more weeks, exam result will reach my door. There are many other things that I have to expect in the next few months, and they are not easy.

The only thing I need is just some strength and a little bit of prayer to keep me going. I’m reaching 26 in few more weeks, and I haven’t got anything yet. There is so much to achieve, so many people to impress. I just need that little strength and prayers.

RUDE I AM

I am not friendly. Full stop.

It is not a judgment. I admit that I have been given that figure since I was born. And I didn’t try at any way to be more ‘friendly’.

This includes the fact that I am not approachable, or at least don’t look approachable, I am not good at making friends, or meeting new friends.

But seriously, those who know me, they know me. Despite my ‘arrogant’ face, I am not that arrogant. I am very easy to work with, I can be very funny, I can be pleasing to be with. I respect people in all ways, despite any differences. I know how to ask questions politely, I know how to greet people, I know how to mingle with people despite their social status or job ranking.

Never in my life have people said I was rude. Never.

But today, it has been proven that maybe they are wrong. Maybe I AM rude.

And again, I will not, never, to try to be more ‘friendly’ just to erase that ‘rude’ title that has been labeled to me. Never. So, don’t expect me to.

I am just happy with what I am, because I don’t think I am rude. If ‘rude’ is the attribute, then ‘rude’ it is.

Full stop.

HIDUP YANG BEST

Lama dah tak menulis. Bukan tak de idea. Byk je yg nak diluahkan. Tp masa selalu tak mengizinkan.

Looks like this is only the second time I write in 2010. See, betapa sibuknya saya. Mengalahkan PM pulak (Nurul Yaqin, 2009). Tak apelah, biarlah susah sekarang. Hopefully, there’s something good waiting later, kan?

It’s a very busy year, saya dah agak dah. Akhir tahun lepas mase meeting, dah bertindan2 kerja disenaraikan utk saya. Bukan nak complain, tp, erm, kita kan manusia biasa. Ada limit bila buat kerja. Bila limit up, habis la.

Itu yang sampai saya demam dua minggu lepas. No big deal. Demam je. Tapi kalau boleh kita nak elakkan dari sakit. Supaya boleh jalankan hidup dgn best.

Ckp psl hidup yang best, that is what I want in life. Hidup yang best dlm definasi sy bukannye bermaksud ade BMW 5 Series 2 bijik dgn Benz S Class (tp kalau ade, lagi bagus.. teringin jugak nk drive S class. ahaks), Hidup yang best juga bukan bermaksud rumah 4 tingkat yang kena pakai walkie talkie bila nak panggil org (yang ni serious sy x nak).. juga bukan mahukan wang melimpah ruah utk beli branded stuff like Gucci, Ferragamo dan Charriol Philippe (tp kalau ade, alangkah indahnya. Jgn risau. Kalau ada, sy tak lupa org yg memerlukan, insya-allah)..

Hidup yg best pd sy ialah keserderhanaan dlm semua segi. Ada setengah org kerja bagai nak rak, siang mlm siang mlm demi nk dptkan satu promotion.. sudahnya, balik kmpung sekali dlm 4 thn. Shopping Mall terdekat pun dah pernah jejak kaki. Ada setengah org pulak enjoy sakan. Mls nk kerja, mls nak belajar. Enjoy je 24 jam. Pun tak boleh jugak.

Sy nak dua dua. Nak enjoy, nak kerja, nak bercinta, nak balik kampong. Jadi sy buat sikit2, mana yg mampu.

Dulu, sy berhabisan utk kerja. Sy keluar duit bagai nak rak utk kerja. Sy gadaikan masa dan tenaga utk kerja. Disebabkan sy baru, sy tak kesah buat semau kerja asalkan sy dpt pengalaman dan pengajaran. Tp dlm bidang kerja sy, org tak appreciate apa yg sy buat, Sebaliknya, org ambil kesempatan pulak.

Sbb tu sekarang ni bila org suruh sy berhabis2an utk kerja, sy malas. Bukan ape, kerja sy jenis fixed salary. Kerja mcm mane sekalipun, gaji takat tu je. Naik pangkat? Jgn harap lah. Jd, sy buat apa yg hakiki. Selebihnya, sy cuma buat jika sy mampu.

Selebihnya, sy tumpukan utk diri sy sendiri. Sy luangkan mase untuk berehat. Sekali sekala give a treat to myself, pg spa and massage. Kadang2 sy puaskan diri sy dengan menari. Sbb sy mmg suka betul menari. Sekali sekala sy pergi shopping, memanjakan diri sendiri untuk tampil menarik. Bila rasa mood romantic timbul, sy luangkan mase dgn PAKCIK. Kadang2, luangkan mase berjumpa dengan kawan ataupun, aklau perlu, sy call diorg, walaupun kadang2 diorg tak call sy. Agak2 rase level IQ dah turun, sy rehat kat rumah sambil baca buku, konon2 mcm study. Bila rasa tanggungjwb tba2 muncul, sy balik kmpung, spend money dekat mak, ayah dan adik2. Sy tak kesah berhabis duit kat diorg. Rasa berbaloi. Walaupun on the way balik KL nnt cuma ade RM2.40 je dlm wallet (hehehe, pernah terjd mcm ni sekali.. seb baik minyak kereta full and smart tag dah reload).

Mungkin sy nampak mcm biasa je. Tp sebenarnya sy sgt berpuas hati dgn hidup sy. Biarlah org nk ckp mcm mane pun, asalkan sy suka hidup sy.

DIORANG JELES

Happynye sy bila dpt tau yang bestfriend sy dah masuk hospital. Eh, dun get me wrong. Not that I was happy to know she was sick or wutever, but I was happy coz she was going to deliver our first baby!!

Well, why do I use the word ‘our baby’?

It’s not like she was pregnant with literally OUR baby, like I gave the egg and bla bla, but it was because she was my best girl of all time, and she got pregnant!! I mean, salah ke if I wanna be happy for her? It’s not like I wanna kidnap the baby or what, I just wanna share the happiness she was in.

For me, that was the role of a bestfriend. You share sorrow, and also happiness. That’s wut I did, that’s wut me and my other best girl did for her. Of course we get cranky and over the limit most of the time, but it was only because we love her and the baby so much. We were so excited as though we were having our own baby. I know the husband might be a little rimas with us, but I know deep down inside, he understood the situation. He understood the fact that his wife was so fond to us, thus contribute to the ‘baby-claiming’.

I believe my best gurl dun mind we claim the baby as ours. In fact I know she was happy we did that. We throw a small get-together for her, kononnya like a small baby shower or sumthing. Actually, it was purely meant for us to meet her, give her a little support before she faced the big day. We knew we won’t be able to be there at the day of event, so we came earlier. I guess, that was the most we could afford to do for her.

The problem yang I dun really understand is, why sum people mcm tak bg je we all claiming the baby. So what if I got excited over her baby, eventho I havent seen him. So wut if I put his picture as my desktop background? So what if I put his pics on my office table, or even in my diary? So wut if I even cried when I first saw his pic? So wut if I cried because I miss him? So wut if I call him in my sleep? SO WHAT??? Isn’t that good that I’m already in love with him before I even meet him? Doesn’t that mean I totally in love with my gurl too?? Doesn’t that show how much she means to me that I really feel her happiness deeply??

Maybe diorg jeles, takde kwn mcm kitorg.. huhuhu