MY BIRTHDAY + ANNIVERSARY WISH LISTS

I know I am 8 days late, but I dun care and I still want to wish myself a nice happy birthday and may good life leads ahead. Many days gone but I still got birthday wishes from the nicest people. Thanks a lot, dearests. I am so lucky surrounded by such caring people.

I went to KLCC to get my DIOR compact powder and BOBBI BROWN lipstick, just a little treat for myself. I also bought some cheap baju to prepare me for the classes. ISETAN had its SALE and I got thrown into the SALE signs. I managed to take a look at the baby department searching for a present for ‘my future baby’ inside SUDI’S tummy. However, due to kerambangan mata, I couldn’t decide wut to buy so I seeked help from the expert, my mummy.

However, mak said it’ not very nice to give baby present to unborn baby. Takot anything happen, touch wood. But I followed her advice lah, so I plan to buy sudi’s baby present when the baby is born.

Talking about baby, I remembered how much I love babies. I love kids sssooooo very much that I choose to become a teacher just to entertain my desire of being surrounded by these beautiful creatures. I might be exaggerating, but I truly love my job.

BUT, ‘liking’ babies and kids and enjoying to be surrounded by them really doesn’t require me to get married early, right? Well, at least that’s wut I think. Frankly, who doesn’t wanna get married? Men, women, lesbo or homos, all want to have some kind of ending or ‘settle-down’ time at their later time, right? Same goes to me. I, too, want to get married, have kids, and so on. But seriously, who am I to decide when and with whom shall I get married, kan?

Once, I had the most outrageous imagination about how my wedding would look like. I also had the unspeakable ‘angan-angan’ about my life as a mother and as a wife. Every time I had a boyfriend, this is the kind of things I would imagine to have if I ever got married to the man I was dating. Personally, I thought it was normal for women to have such thinking.

But then, I realize life is not as easy as what you plan. In 2006, PAKCIk came to England to visit me for the second time. It was our second year together so we celebrated it with some kind of plan on how we should go about our relationship. He, a divorcee, had to work damn hard to win my parents’ heart. So, we plan to start right after I got back from UK. That time, I should be in KL completing my final year in IPBA. A year, that should be enough for my parents to know how was he. Then, we planned to arrange so that I could be posted in KL. This should make it easier because we wouldn’t want another long-distance relationship especially after we got married.

BUT, like is said, it was just a plan. God tested us in the middle of the way. Some kind of big challenge appeared just before I got back from UK, just before the plan being ‘launched’. IT SPOILT EVERYTHING. JUST EVERYTHING.

But who am I to complain? It was a test, I took it as a test, believing that a good time will come ahead. People go through ups and downs all the time and they survive, why not us? Because of that particular incident, PAKCIk and I decided to take more time in planning our future together, in this case, it means we have to change the plan all over again. My parents were deeply bruised, no way will they heal in short weeks, or even months, it could take years. So, I registered as a new postgraduate trying to pursue my Masters Degree in few years. That should give me enough time to gain my strength back and make a little move ahead.

Some ask, why don’t make a move now, tell my parents and go get married? It is not that easy, right? The bruises might worsen. My parents will definitely be sad and devastated. How on earth could a daughter take that? So, if taking a step ahead kills them, I would rather not. I’m not lying to them, but I would rather let them thing that I just have no interest in getting married yet.

Then again, others ask, why do I stay in this relationship that long when I know there is no ending and breaking my parents’ heart? My answer is, I’m not sure if there is no ending. There must be one. So, I want to stick around and find out wut the ending is. Walking away from this beautiful relationship might make many people happier, but it is definitely not going to make any sense to me. If this means I wouldn’t be married any time sooner, or getting my own baby, I accept that. After all, I, too, have to take good care of my own heart, right? I might sound selfish, but there is no way I’m going to put my feelings away to satisfy others. After all, I think I am the one who take the suffers.

Looking at my married friends, attending weddings, those make me really happy. I love weddings, I love kids, but they are not meant for me, at least not yet. I don’t expect people to understand, especially my parents. They are being hurt too much, I know. But I do expect people who know about this to understand. My love life is just too challenging, and too painful, but those make it really really good memory.

With these explanations, I think I sound fair enough. No one get hurts. So far, THESE ARE MY PLANS. If, if there would be any spoilers this time, I think I am going to have to kill them. Really.

PAKCIK and I agree with this plan. So, this is the principal that I will hold on to as I go through my 25th year of life. HAPPY 5TH ANNIVERSARY, SAYANG.