I DON'T KNOW

I'm trying to describe my relationship with Pakcik at this point.

I wrote before, that our relationship didn't make my parents happy. It is still not. We are trapped her not knowing what to do. But we both really love each other, dearly. And i said once, if taking another step of this relationship will make my parents sad, we would rather not to.

So, we live life hoping for God to lead us some answers. Clearly, He didn't hear us. He might have heard us, but refuse to help. I dunno. But we are still trapped, in a 6-year relationship which is going nowhere.

Getting married is not my issue, but getting married to him, is. I want to be his wife, not anyone else, so I decided to play along with this never ending game. I am happy, really. despite whatever people have done to us, I am very very happy with him.

So, yes, I have had what they call as scandals. Few of them, actually. Most of the time, they are just flings, I know they are just flings. I just wanted a little spark in my life, so i go for these scandals, in which I know, they are never real loves. They are just flings.

Most guys which I have encountered as my scandals are really not worth my time. They are either married, attached, engaged, whatever, whatever. Of coursse I know it will never be a real thing to me. I know. At the end of the day, I will come back to Pakcik, happily.

But then, someone appears. Seriously hoping for a real relationship from me. He is not married, not attached, in fact, I know him a while back, which makes it easier for us to communicate. We have shared some common background. Suddenly, I feel scared.

I am scared because suddenly I feel like this is not just another scandal, not just another fling. The whole possibility he has put in front of me makes me really shaking. He is too good to be true, but there he is, for real.

I am scared because all this while I was pushing the reality about getting married and have kids because I don't think I am capable of doing them without marrying Pakcik. I was pushing away those dreams because I didnt think I can pursue them. But then he appears. His appearance suddenly opens up the possibilities.

He knows about Pakcik, and he wants to wait, he wants to make things work out between us, slowly. And he is being so surprisingly understanding. Seriously, is he for real???

I like him, I like every single thing about him. But then, even though we have known each other before, we were not very close. So, there are still empty spaces to be filled. The great thing is, he takes times, no rush. So far, he accepts me the way I am, and I begin to do the same. I begin to search for him when I am in trouble. We begin to see things in the same perspectives, we begin to plan things together, and seriously, that is really scary.

Of course, it is still too early to tell. I have known Pakcik for 6 years, and we are still arguing about where we want to eat for dinner. But then, his appearance makes me feel impatient. I cannot wait.

I always turn to my best girls for anything. I would always ask them from the tiniest thing. I always seek their opinions and their shoulders whenever I need them. At this point of time, I really want to tell them every single thing, but I'm afraid that I will only bore them with this story. Well, I definitely will. They might think this as another scandal, and they won't care less. They will only take a deep breath and said "Owh, dah agak dah.."

I dun think I can tell them that this might not be another scandal because they will not understand the situation. Plus, they might not like the idea of me leaving Pakcik for this guy. I don't know what to expect from them. I usually want their ears, but I know sometimes, even that is too much too ask. So, basically, I am all alone in this matter.

Owh, not really alone, coz I told my mum about this guy. There u go! I haven't told about any guys to them after they disagree about Pakcik. She likes the idea. But I told my mum, don't hope too much. It's too early.

But I will be the stupidest person in the whole wide world if I don't make a wise decision. I don't know. I am so speechless.