The date 27th of November 2010 must be a memorable one for UiTM graduates as it was the day when they went up to the stage to receive the ‘pay’ for their whole life of hardship. It was the day when they received a piece of paper which will determine the next chapters of their lives. And I am so proud to be part of that, as I, too, joined the crowd to celebrate that moment when my brother, MOHD MAZUAN NAZRI BIN JUNIT, had his convocation for the bachelor degree he is holding now.
Last 2 years, my family and I went for my own convocation in IPBA. It was just a tiny and simple event but the tears which my mum and dad shred were so meaningful that it touched the very deepest part of my heart. They were so proud, so relieved that their sweat and hardship were paid for.
It was a very tremendous and incredible feeling that no words can ever describe. You could see the parents’ eyes were glowing and their siblings’ smiles were cheerful. Everyone walked in joy and pride.When I saw mothers kissing their daughters after the graduation, and when I saw fathers hugging their sons, I felt my body was trembling with a mist of happiness. Happy and proud.
As to beloved brother, you have made it, dear. You have made us proud. You are doing this for you, not for anyone else. Congratulations and good luck with your life, and remember, we all love u so very much.
6 years of laugh and tears, 6 years of hardship, 6 years of happiness, most importantly, 6 years of sweet tender love.
Nothing was wrong with us. We both love each other so much, too much in fact. But we made sacrifice, We put smiles and happiness in others, Though our hearts break into pieces
It is killing us for what we have to do, what we need to do to please others. We are torn inside out. We are sad, we are so upset. It is so difficult to do what we had to do. It's tearing us apart.
We would rather be dead than to feel this sadness. It hurts, it kills us. But something must be done, and we chose this. We chose to be killed inside rather than hurting other people. We chose to be torn to please others.
World is never fair. Life is always cruel. I'm tired of impressing others, of pleasing other. Coz all I know is that my heart is torn. I, am torn.
"Suppose you're in a car wreck. You need another car, but instead of taking the next month researching makes, models, and prices, you rush out to the used car lot and pick out the first car you see. That's a rebound.
But it turns out to be a damn fine car anyway which serves your journey the best. That's a true love."
REBOUND You are in deep shit. Broke up tragically few months ago and nothing in life seems to make any sense to you anymore. When a person appears and shows a little bit concern, you turn to him/her and a relationship evolves. He/ She shows care and talks things through. He/ She would not put the blame on you but keeps asking about how stupid you ex was.
LOVE You are in deep shit. Broke up tragically few months ago and nothing in life seems to make sense to you anymore. When a person appears and shows a little bit concern, you turn to him/her and a friendship evolves. He/ She listens to every single thing you wanna get out of your chest without complaining. He/ She would just listen.
REBOUND When the relationship evolves, you keep asking yourself whether or not it’s a rebound. But you keep telling yourself that it is for real.
LOVE When the friendship evolves, you keep asking yourself whether or not it’s a rebound. It could be, but you decided to go for it anyway. After all, you enjoy his/ her company.
REBOUND You decided to go on a date with him/ her. You dress yourself up to impress him/ her. LOVE You decided to go on a date with him/ her. You are nervous as hell but you try to be yourself.
REBOUND When you talk about your ex, he/ she would listen, but at the end, he/ she will make face and said “Can you stop talking about her/ him?”
LOVE When you talk about your ex, he/ she would listen, but at the end, you will feel guilty talking too much about your ex with him/ her and you would say “Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about that,” and he/ she would say “It’s ok. I dun mind.”
REBOUND You would travel miles away to see him/her. He/ She is fun to be with. You feel that it is worth every journey to see him /her. You wanna see him/ her again soon.
LOVE You would travel miles away to see him/her. He / She is fun to be with. You feel that it is worth every journey to see him/ her. And when you get home, the only thing you keep thinking is him/her. That short time but long journeys don’t feel enough to see him/her.
REBOUND You start to imagine your future with him/ her. You start to plan for birthdays and parties and holidays together. You want to make things work, so maybe you should rush things a bit.
LOVE You start to imagine your future with him/ her. You start to plan things in short future like next week, or tomorrow. But you take things slowly because you want him/her to get to know you deeper before you jump into anything. You don’t want him/her to feel that he/she is being shadowed by your past.
REBOUND When he/she wants you to meet the parents, you freak out a bit. But you go ahead. Maybe it’s time to tell the parents about how serious you are with the son/ daughter.
LOVE When he/she wants you to meet the parents, you calmly and politely say that you are not ready just yet. You will meet them when you are ready, and when the time is appropriate.
REBOUND You feel like you know him/her very well already. You want to spend time watching movies and shopping together.
LOVE You feel like you still do not know him/her well. You always want to know more about him/her. You want to spend time getting to know each other deeper.
REBOUND You start comparing him/her with your past. But he/she is much better than your ex. There is nothing wrong with him/her and you like him/her just fine.
LOVE You start comparing him/her with your past. There might be some things that you are sure or not comfortable with. But you want to learn and understand more. At the end, you realize that there is nothing to compare because he/she is unique in his/her own way.
The thing is, there’s nothing wrong about rebound. You can’t really decide whether it is real love or true love unless you go ahead and be in the relationship. In most cases, rebound might hurt you more. But in others, rebound works just fine, or in some cases, better.
If people say that distance is not an excuse for true love, then they are either haven't experience long distance relationships before, or they are simply in denial.
I have had a long distance relationship before. We were apart by sea and lands, by long miles. Malaysia and United Kingdom. But we somehow survived the challenge.
But recently, I forgot how long distance relationship felt like. I forgot how I survived. I forgot how I managed to live my life despite all the challenges. I forgot how internet and phone calls managed to keep us close. I forgot how I woke up at 4 o'çlock in the morning to chat with him while he was working in the office. The 8 hours of difference really was confusing. I forgot how much pound sterling and RM were gone to pay the phone bills. I remembered he paid RM1200 a week for the calls.
I forgot how he woke me up for my classes. I forgot how I put him to sleep every day. I forgot how we tell each others' plans of the day as if we were living just next door. I forgot how I talked to him over the phone more than I talked to my own housemates. I forgot how my friends had to make appointments to see me because I was always on the phone with him. I forgot how he spend some money to fly across the ocean to see me. I forgot how he paid for my flight tickets for me to go back to Malaysia during summer holidays so that we could spend time together.
That was how we survived, through a little bit of sacrifice, throwing money to the phones' companies and flights. We had proven ourselves that miles can be brought together.
But recently, I forgot how they were all done. I can't seem to repeat the same whole thing. Recently, long distance relationship seems so impossible, full of doubts and difficult.
I am not sure if I can handle the pressure. I am not sure if I can try hard enough, and I am not sure how far I can go.
I'm crying over the hardship I haven't even put myself through. How stupid is that? Frankly, I want to work things out. So, God, please lend me a hand.
(Rap) Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal Bila aku gunakan, kau yang menyangkal Bagaimana nak kekal Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda Bila aku gunakan, kau yang tak percaya Bagaimana nak bahagia
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu Tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
(Rap) Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa Bagaimana hendak ku lupa bayangan wajahmu selalu di depan mata harum baumu masih dapat ku hidu Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu Jikalau setiap hari merindu Sekiranya derita merinduimu itu sebenarnya bahagia.. Aku pilih derita..
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Mungkinkah esok atau lusa walau biarpun lama Akan ku biar tiada ku tetap kan setia Entah bila akan tiba sampai jua harimu yang sama Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah
(Ulang) (2x) Kaulah tanda tanya.. kau tiada titik noktah Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula Kaulah tanda tanya.. kau tiada titik noktah Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula
(Rap) Seandainya kau berada di depan mata Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu Apalagi memandangku Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan kau mainkan perasaan Begitu mudah kau ucapkan terimalah saja kenyataan.. Aku masih terkilan
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
(Rap) Jika kau dapat memahami hati seorang perindu Baru kau tahu derita hatiku Jika suatu hari nanti giliran kau merindu Baru kau ingat derita diriku Segala yang berlaku bukan kemahuanku Apa gunanya bahgia Jikalau bahagia bersamamu hanyalah untuk sementara waktu Aku pilih derita merinduimu
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa Kaulah bahagia (bagiku) Kaulah derita (bagimu) Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
I'm trying to describe my relationship with Pakcik at this point.
I wrote before, that our relationship didn't make my parents happy. It is still not. We are trapped her not knowing what to do. But we both really love each other, dearly. And i said once, if taking another step of this relationship will make my parents sad, we would rather not to.
So, we live life hoping for God to lead us some answers. Clearly, He didn't hear us. He might have heard us, but refuse to help. I dunno. But we are still trapped, in a 6-year relationship which is going nowhere.
Getting married is not my issue, but getting married to him, is. I want to be his wife, not anyone else, so I decided to play along with this never ending game. I am happy, really. despite whatever people have done to us, I am very very happy with him.
So, yes, I have had what they call as scandals. Few of them, actually. Most of the time, they are just flings, I know they are just flings. I just wanted a little spark in my life, so i go for these scandals, in which I know, they are never real loves. They are just flings.
Most guys which I have encountered as my scandals are really not worth my time. They are either married, attached, engaged, whatever, whatever. Of coursse I know it will never be a real thing to me. I know. At the end of the day, I will come back to Pakcik, happily.
But then, someone appears. Seriously hoping for a real relationship from me. He is not married, not attached, in fact, I know him a while back, which makes it easier for us to communicate. We have shared some common background. Suddenly, I feel scared.
I am scared because suddenly I feel like this is not just another scandal, not just another fling. The whole possibility he has put in front of me makes me really shaking. He is too good to be true, but there he is, for real.
I am scared because all this while I was pushing the reality about getting married and have kids because I don't think I am capable of doing them without marrying Pakcik. I was pushing away those dreams because I didnt think I can pursue them. But then he appears. His appearance suddenly opens up the possibilities.
He knows about Pakcik, and he wants to wait, he wants to make things work out between us, slowly. And he is being so surprisingly understanding. Seriously, is he for real???
I like him, I like every single thing about him. But then, even though we have known each other before, we were not very close. So, there are still empty spaces to be filled. The great thing is, he takes times, no rush. So far, he accepts me the way I am, and I begin to do the same. I begin to search for him when I am in trouble. We begin to see things in the same perspectives, we begin to plan things together, and seriously, that is really scary.
Of course, it is still too early to tell. I have known Pakcik for 6 years, and we are still arguing about where we want to eat for dinner. But then, his appearance makes me feel impatient. I cannot wait.
I always turn to my best girls for anything. I would always ask them from the tiniest thing. I always seek their opinions and their shoulders whenever I need them. At this point of time, I really want to tell them every single thing, but I'm afraid that I will only bore them with this story. Well, I definitely will. They might think this as another scandal, and they won't care less. They will only take a deep breath and said "Owh, dah agak dah.."
I dun think I can tell them that this might not be another scandal because they will not understand the situation. Plus, they might not like the idea of me leaving Pakcik for this guy. I don't know what to expect from them. I usually want their ears, but I know sometimes, even that is too much too ask. So, basically, I am all alone in this matter.
Owh, not really alone, coz I told my mum about this guy. There u go! I haven't told about any guys to them after they disagree about Pakcik. She likes the idea. But I told my mum, don't hope too much. It's too early.
But I will be the stupidest person in the whole wide world if I don't make a wise decision. I don't know. I am so speechless.
It has been quite some time since last I put my thought here. I guess I have been very busy. Last May, I was so busy with my assignments, exams and work. And something so bad happened to our family, to my beloved mother.
I was planning for a weekend getaway with my best girl, Huda. We planned for a trip to Surabaya, all paid for. But then, I got a phone call from daddy saying that mum was admitted to Hospital Putra Batu Pahat and she was about to have a major surgery to remove both of her breasts. To my surprise, never did I ever thought that mum was diagnosed with breasts cancer.
My vision went dark, my thought had gone crazy, I was out of control. I cried the whole journey home.
It happened like in dream.
Up till today, I still cannot believe my mother is suffering with breasts cancer. I cannot believe.
But every thing is written in God's hand. She is still alive and happy, for that, I have to be thankful. She is now undergoing chemotherapy.
I have lost words on how to describe my sadness. The only thing I can do is to stare to the sky, hoping for HIM to hear my unspoken words.
